Caring and Kindness

Love sustained me through a great loss

I was scrolling through my photos looking for something else when this picture caught my eye. It was taken at a family party just after I returned from sitting Shiva for my mother in Detroit. Mom died on April 19, 2015, and I’m guessing the gathering was on Sunday, April 28. I had just returned home and had not seen my daughter and grandkids since the funeral.

This image captured a special moment. I was wearing my mother’s necklace and still reeling from her sudden death, but I was also surrounded by love. My daughter Alissa, the back of her head with her light brown hair, is a very empathic and caring person. She stayed close to me as I navigated celebrating with my husband’s family while still grieving and in shock over the loss of my own mother. My granddaughter, Daniella, behind me in the photo, expressed her love by fondling my hair. And her sister Maya, on my lap, shared her joy that I had returned.

I remember feeling that, sad as I was, life would go on. Happiness and love were still there for me. And while I was now the family matriarch, I was blessed to have my husband, children, and grandchildren to surround me with the care and support I needed to feel that life was good and I was blessed.

Because I had not lived in the Detroit area since I left after college in 1967, all of the arrangements for Mom’s funeral and Shiva were unfamiliar to me. My mother had shared with me what type of funeral she wanted. It was important to her to be eulogized by her three children. I know she would have loved the additional eulogy by her great granddaughter Maya, who was nine at the time.

After my husband, children, and grandchildren left, I felt lost navigating the traditional week of Shiva organized by my observant youngest brother. The customs were different, the services were long, and I didn’t know most of the people who came. Aside from my relatives, most were friends of my two younger brothers. I was mourning my mother in a strange environment that didn’t include those who were closest to me. Walking into that party and receiving condolences from my husband’s family in the midst of a celebration was jarring.

And then, there was that moment of love and caring captured by the photo. I was sad and a bit shell-shocked, but also surrounded by love. Shortly after this loving moment with my daughter and granddaughters, I decided to have a Shiva at my home for my community of friends and family who were unable to attend the funeral in Detroit. The women in my Chavurah (Jewish friendship group) lovingly put everything together. I delivered the eulogy I had given for my mother at the funeral. The entire afternoon recaptured the feeling of love and caring reflected in the photo. In difficult times, caring and kindness matter above all.